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Below are the 14 most recent journal entries recorded in
chewie, the human night light's InsaneJournal:
| Thursday, October 15th, 2009 | |
| 1:47 am | I think I'm sick, but I don't know where I can go. Anywhere I go, I'll either be getting someone sick who can't afford this kind of illness, or I'll just get worse, and I know they won't let me stay at the hospital for very long. I even considered jail, but I'm pretty sure that goes in the "making me worse" pile. If I injure myself, though, they might take me for a while. Fuck, whatever. I wonder if I can find my mum's number. I'll find a way to Scotland and stay with her until I'm better. |
| Friday, March 20th, 2009 | |
| 11:57 pm | Um. Liz? Can you come talk to me? |
| Sunday, February 15th, 2009 | |
| 9:02 pm | My little girl is two. I feel so old. |
| Sunday, January 4th, 2009 | |
| 11:05 pm | I need help with Chewie. He's really worrying me. This is bad. He's been depressed before, and he's been depressed for a long time. I should have got him real help before because I can't help him. But now he's just in his room and he hasn't come out for three days. He hasn't eaten and he's barely talking. He doesn't even respond to Landon, and Henriikka brought Eveliina over and he just shut the door. It's like he's just starving himself and he's just wasting away. I don't know what to do and I'm really worried. Um. Liz? Help? |
| Friday, August 1st, 2008 | |
| 11:07 pm | I'm in Spain. Don't ask me why I'm in Spain. I shouldn't be in Spain. I really shouldn't be. I don't know what I'm supposed to say, I didn't really think that part through. I don't know why I came, just that argument I had with Dad last night really got to me and I spent all night trying to work up the courage to do something other than just sit at home and feel sorry for myself. God fuck fuck fuck she's not even here, just her husband is. She's married. Not remarried, I guess she never married in the first place. I tried to tell him who I was and it just sounded like I was having an affair with her or something. For once sex doesn't enter into this. Well not my sex. I guess sex is always there. Dad had... okay ew. Fucking Alli. She barely knows me, and all of a sudden she's doing all this... talking and making us talk. I shouldn't have told her shit, shouldn't have said anything. Just got out of jail and I'm trying to WHAT THE FUCK AM I TRYING TO DO? I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M TRYING TO DO. I'M SITTING IN A FUCKING DOORWAY ACROSS THE STREET FROM HER BUILDING WAITING FOR HER TO GET HOME. he's watching me. I can see that he's watching me. Probably thinks I'm some weird stalker or I want money or something. I should have asked if he knew of any place to stay until I waited for her. Homeless shelters are too hard to find unless you know where they are already, and I don't have the money for a hotel, and I think I thought I could just go home after this. Or wherever. It's probably warmer at night here. I mean it's summer in Finland so it's warmer but it probably is a little nicer year round here. Maybe I can find a place to sleep until she gets home. Not that I'll know when she's home, or I'll recognise her when she comes in. I want... someone. I don't know who. Can I say Dad did his best? He probably did, he did, whatever, but I don't know if his best was enough. I can't hate him but I need a parent of some sort right now. But all I have is the woman who gave birth to me across the street, and Dad... and I don't even know what to say about Dad. He's the only parent I've got. If I asked him to come here, he'd probably be hurt that I tried to find her. I'd feel the same if I found out Landon wanted to find Janeane. That bitch left us, and this fucking bitch abandoned Dad and didn't even tell him about me, and then left me in fucking Belarus without even telling him. But I can't do this alone. What if she tries to deny it? What if it's not her. I bet there are lots of Eva de la Cruz-Vega's around. I mean that's not even her name anymore, that was just her maiden name, and she's not a businesswoman anymore, she's a fucking counselor for drug addicts. She's probably forgotten about me. She probably has other children. No she wouldn't have forgotten about me. Right? Parents can't just... forget about their children. I couldn't forget about mine. But she's not my parent, she's just the woman who gave birth to me. I don't want a fucking mother out of her. I know she's not my mother, and I tried that whole 'blood is thicker than water' shit when I still thought Theo was my biological mother. Through all the times that I just hated her because she forgot me and came late to see me and just plain ignored me, I tried to remind myself that she was my mother, and it was just that imagined blood tie that kept me thinking that. But that was just a fucking lie, and Dad hasn't dated since then because he didn't want me to have some string of mothers, so instead I just have NO mother. Fuck it. I'm going home. I can't do this. I just wanted to find out why she left me, but I know what it's going to be. It's going to be all about how it was the best thing for me and she tried all she could and FUCK I CAN'T DO THIS BUT I WANT TO KNOW. IT'S NOT GOING TO FIX ME. JUST LIKE GOING BACK TO RUSSIA DIDN'T FIX ME, IT GOT ME THROWN IN FUCKING JAIL FOR ASSAULT. Я КАК РАЗ ХОЧУ ПОЙТИ ДОМОЙ. Я КАК РАЗ ХОЧУ ДОМ. Я КАК РАЗ ХОЧУ ПРИНАДЛЕЖАТЬ И ИМЕТЬ ЧТО-ТО. Кто-то дает мне меньшюю передышку. Сделайте меня принадлежать для раз и don' t дает вверх на мне или выходит я позади. |
| Saturday, June 28th, 2008 | |
| 11:43 pm | So I talked to Ani today. Nothing like a fuck up and a cripple either trying to cheer each other up or bring each other down to their level of depression. I think I managed to cheer him up, though, but I'm not allowed to say about what. It just wouldn't work for him to be depressed as shit at Tank's wedding. She'd kill him for attention whoring. |
| Monday, May 12th, 2008 | |
| 1:03 am |  Someone please tell me they've seen my son recently. |
| Saturday, April 26th, 2008 | |
| 9:21 pm | Happy Chernobyl Day! I love my radioactivity. I feel so old, I was just six years old when that happened, all 17 years ago. Which makes me 23 and feeling old. I'm thinking about celebrating. Who wants to go out and celebrate the world's worst nuclear disaster with me? |
| Saturday, April 19th, 2008 | |
| 1:37 am | I'm fucking sick of this shit. I'm changing my first name. Any suggestions on what to? |
| Friday, April 4th, 2008 | |
| 7:12 pm | I finally told my dad I needed money. He said me and Landon are moving back in with him for now. ... I can't believe I'm sleeping back in my old room again. I thought I'd end up back in Belarus before I ended up here. What the fuck. |
| Monday, February 11th, 2008 | |
| 7:53 am | My little girl's first birthday is coming up! I missed the first six months of her life, but at least I get this. Who wants to come to her birthday party? |
| Saturday, January 19th, 2008 | |
| 5:44 pm | To those who knew me when I was a kid, did I display any of the following Lack of Conscience Development. Superficially Charming. Lack of Eye Contact (except when lying). Inability to give and Receive Affection. Extreme Control Issues. Destructive to Self, Others, Animals and Property. No Impulse Control. Unusual Eating Patterns (hoarding, gorging, or refusal to eat). Unsuccessful Peer Relationships. Incessant Chatter in Order to Control. Very Demanding. Unusual speech patterns, mumbling, robotic speech, talking very softly except when raging. No reason. Just curious. |
| Sunday, December 30th, 2007 | |
| 9:06 pm | I got in a fight and now my face hurts! |
| Tuesday, December 11th, 2007 | |
| 2:04 am | |